Sometimes you feel a little crazy after your daughter has died. How is it- that I can have a day go by without mentioning her name to anyone? I think of her, of course I do…but how? How can life keep going on? It feels like emotionally things and feelings get swept under the rug of my heart. I can’t live everyday in the lowest of places. The river still runs wild, but I can’t access it everyday. But I want to. I want to immerse myself in her short life again. I want to replay the days I had with her over and over again. I want to relive the awful days when we delivered and buried her. She was SO real back then. She was SO relevant. She was so current, and now she’s in my rearview mirror.
How can it be that two years have made such a difference? I’m the same traveler with the same heart, but so many of the deep things have gone deeper inside of me. I’m learning that it takes a great torrent of emotion to bring the smallest recollection and willingness to ponder out of me. Like I said, it’s all still there, but sometimes I don’t know how to access it. Sometimes I don’t want to. Sometimes I don’t have the time, or the energy…or even the support.
What I wish is that I had memories with her. But maybe if I had them, I would wish I didn’t. But would I? It’s that whole cliche of better loved and lost then to have never loved at all. I never understood those words until now. Honestly, I don’t know what is better for the human soul. A lovely mom I follow named Mary lost her son to cancer 6 months ago…from what I gathered he was only six or seven years old. Now that I have a child who is living in my care, I cannot fathom that kind of agony. I can understand my dead classmates father killing himself. I can at least imagine. Such compassion. Such pain.
In the end everything is what it is. I can’t change the fact that I only was privileged to carry Ella and be with her for 22 weeks. I’m thankful, but I’m always wanting more time with her. She is fading from me. In a way I can’t wait to be pregnant again, because that is the time I remember what it was like the first time–with her. Those butterflies, and dreams and first kicks, the cravings, and every little detail of those first 22 weeks are crystalized in my minds eye. Sadly, I spent so much time worrying–I don’t remember much but pain, grief, and anxiety with my pregnancy with Beck.
How can I meet someone new and not tell them about her? How can I have so many casual conversations in a day, but weeks go by without her name touching my lips? Most of the time, when a wave hits me I’m alone, and it’s brief. I simply say, I miss her Lord, I miss you Ella. I imagine that she is getting a little glimpse of me going about my day–broken and missing her so. I imagine that she is seeing my undying love for her. I imagine that it touches her…but I don’t know. In heaven I get the idea that you aren’t exactly worried about who is missing you . You are complete and you miss no one.
If I had to use one word for how I feel this two year anniversary of her life and death, it’s numb. There are so many layers now, one piled on top of the other…but the outer shell is thick out of necessity. Life is for the living. I have to go on. I cannot continue to torture myself daily with the WHYS,and the IF ONLYS. I HAVE accepted her death. I have relinquished control of knowing the why. I HAVE removed God from the court of my judgement. The anger is still there, the pain is still there, and the confusion is there as well–but it’s not my dwelling place anymore. Acceptance.
What I want to do for Ella is to bawl my eyes out and weep. Or maybe thats what I want to do for me. You have no idea how much I crave that utter desolation and brokenness. But the numbness has set in and I’m so tired of feeling like I’m weeping alone. To NO fault of anyone else, but thats the nature of life. We go on. We celebrate birthdays. We make plans. Go on vacations. Buy groceries. But sometimes I wish all I had to do was think on her beautiful life cut short and revel in the sadness and mystery all over again. So tonight, with my many tears, and looking at your pictures…and yes maybe drinking a glass too many–heres to you sweet girl.
You are still the light that keeps burning in my heart. You are still my girl. Happy Birthday in heaven. Pray for me, and have Grampa play you “You are my sunshine” on his heavenly gibson. I’m trying Ella Rae to stay the course, and make it to you with as many people that I can. I’m trying to live for heaven and remember that I am an alien..Thanks for making my perspective sooooo much better. I now know that things are just useless piles of crap and shit, and owning and working for stuff is an utter waste of time. I’m chasing the sun, the truth, the light, we all are. Thank you again for sharing your beginning and end with me. I’m FOREVER changed by your life and your love which is now SO complete in every way. Jesus is holding us all. I love you. Daddy loves you. Beck loves you, and I know Otie does too (our pug). As well as Gigi and Boompa, Bitty, Beamer, Uncle Ty Ty, Lukey, Cam,Gma, Nonna and Poppa, Grandma and Grandpa, Great-Grandma, Dan, Liz, Aunty Beth, Jacky, Jennifer, Aunt Linda & Uncle Doug…so many, but not enough…
This is my latest song about Ella…seems I can’t write anything without thinking of her. She pretty much inspires every song I write…I had to make this one a bit more universal and vague, I think my fans are tired of songs about my loss…