Sometimes after the passing of time, someone you love can sort of be turned into an anecdote. “Grandpa in heaven,” or “so and so always liked this,” or “I bet Ella is so happy in heaven.” The tenderness and quiet honor that people once observed seems to be a thing of the past. Now, when people talk about Ella…it’s just so matter of fact. I do not harbor any bitterness or resentment towards people, but I do not know how to react. I cannot feign the indifference that time has brought to others. I cannot feign the acceptance that others have chosen to embrace. I am still her mother, and I have not accepted her death.

The other night I felt the clouds of grief descend upon me, and the tears would not stop. I don’t know why it’s difficult for me to admit these feelings and tears to others and even to my husband. The words struggle to come out. The truth is–at times I am completely submerged in a sorrowful anguish. My heart breaks open anew continually, and all of my memories, regrets, questions and broken hope come spilling out. I feel lost again, when all I want is to feel found and safe..even for a moment.

I thought that after Beck came, I would feel infinitely more grateful to God. I thought that that gratitude would somehow propel me to a greater intimacy and closeness to Him. Beck is here, and although I am grateful–I still struggle with a faith that is to me, so fragile. Sometimes it even seems a facade. I don’t know why I am still ignorantly trying to “figure God out.” Trying at times to stuff him back into the box of my past understandings…how I long for that child like trust and naiveté. I am trying. Trying to do the things that I think I should, and the things I think God wants me to do. Read my bible, memorize and meditate on scripture. The truth is, I do not know what the truth is..and I don’t think thats good enough. I wrestle with God on lots of fronts, but I really desire peace. I wait vainly for a prompt or secret message that will suddenly make life and all it’s tragedies “click.” I know that Jesus is the answer…and that He was a man of suffering and sorrows. I know this. I like this Jesus. But I still don’t understand Him.

A relationship without trust must not have any love in it, and that scares me. I cannot reconcile my former faith and foundation, the death of my daughter, and the birth of my son. I don’t know why this is so challenging for me, but it is. I can pin-point the time of my doubts and the start of the extreme testing of my faith.

After Jason and I found out that Ella had no heartbeat, we were required to go to the hospital and get an ultrasound for a second opinion. We called my entire family, and had everyone praying. As we went into that room, the ultrasound tech searched, but found no heartbeat. My dear family…sisters, brother, mom, dad and brother-in-law all came in the room. My mom asked the tech to leave so they could pray over me and Ella. She left, and my family prayed the most fervent prayers I have ever heard in my life. They begged God, petitioned God, recited scriptures to God, rallied their faith, wept their tears and asked. Then the tech came back in and checked again….and still no heartbeat.

Before Ella died I had made the habit of reciting the Lords prayer everyday…”Our Father who art in heaven hollowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven…” I cannot pray this prayer right now. I am afraid of Gods will. I wish I was more godly, and a stronger person…but I am shook to the core, and my foundations are laid bare. All I can cling to is that God is doing a work in me, and that He will finish it. I cannot change my own heart, and this current excavation is incredibly ugly and broken to me.


3 thoughts on “Anecdote

  1. I was so “BLESSED” to spend time with YOUR FAMILY this Holiday Season. I wouldn’t of missed it for the world ! Thanks KINDLY for waiting for ME this time around. It was the BEST thing, the HIGHLIGHT of MY 2013. So looking forward to see YOU again in June 2014.


    “GREAT AUNT” Linda

  2. Hi Jetty

    it is very normal to feel angry towards someone or some thing when something so presious has bee taken from you… wether its a doctor, some one who caused the tradady or god, it is how we respond as humans. we have to vent our emotions. You are very normal on this front or well i hope so as i feel this way towards or G.P who didnt spot our sons symptoms. Will i every forgive ??? probebly NOT, but im ok with that i have to be, its not how i want to feel, however it just is the way my body, brain and spirit does feel. Maybe in years to come i will but for now its how i need to feel, dont punish yourself for it. Go back to basisc survival, one day at a time untill you can look further again.

    best wishes

    naomi xx

  3. It’s easy to think, “what does it all matter God, when you didn’t seem to be there when it mattered most…to me.” I get that. I even understand that we can never go back to the way things were before Ella came and left us. But maybe that is good. Maybe we aren’t suppose to. Maybe her gift to us is just that. Maybe we remind ourselves that our dearest little Ella changed us more in the short time she lived and died within you – than many we have lived with for years during our lives. In the blink of an eye, she gave us the gift of perspective. Would I have chosen the sorrow and pain you feel everyday? No. And is that a perfect love? No. To rob you of the joy that your son Beck brings, or the sorrow and longing that your daughter Ella brings – is to rob you of life’s richest of blessings. Death, life, hope, sorrow, healing, longing, waiting, suffering, celebrating….this is to live. And you my dear have chosen to keep on living. Keep on fighting for the right to feel, and keep on praying, for Beck, for us, for the broken without hope, and for the strength to feel all of life bravely – to the fullest.

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