“Why Don’t They Care?”

I woke up this morning with a throbbing sliver in my mind. A little thought that had crossed my mind and kind of embedded there–causing some minor swelling, irritation, and hurt. Grief makes us more sensitive…most of the time I am afraid to admit to this. The vein of loss and grief that runs through my whole body is covered by a very thin piece of skin–rubbed the wrong way, or slightly knicked and  everything goes bloody and wrong.

Emotions, and tears aren’t as on the surface as they were five months ago, now they dwell much deeper. But it really doesn’t take much to bring out the sensitivity and pain. The thought that I had at 6 AM this morning which kept me up was “Why don’t they care?”

A few months ago I made some really great decisions for myself–I got off of facebook and quit following anyone on Instagram who was a new parent. This decision came after about three failed attempts to get back online and cope with what I saw. Every time I would log back on my grief would make the sweet images of babies feet and happy mothers a tidal wave of unbearable sorrow. I didn’t need that. I made the decision and I feel like it has made me more free to grieve on my own terms. It’s important that we as loss moms maintain some kind of control no matter how small.

Well after doing this for my own sanity I couldn’t help but notice that some people quit following me back. They were no longer commenting on my pictures, videos, or even my blog here. This sounds borderline narcissistic to me when I read it back, but I think the root of this hurt is the fact that I am so sensitive right now and have been since Ella died. My expectations for others probably are too high, but once again the people I am talking about were close to me. That’s why it hurts, because I notice their absence. I hear their silence loud and clear. Silence is the worst thing for a grieving mother to hear. So the thought occurred to me–what would cause people I love and care about to quit following my life and quit caring? Did they really think that I don’t care about them and they are just cutting me out? Did they lack the ability to comprehend why I would remove their feed from my life? Was it really impossible for them to imagine how painful dozens and dozens of pictures of their new family would be for me? I am left guessing that they didn’t understand anything, and that has to be ok with me.

My struggle to remain authentic but pure of heart has been one of the most agonizing trials and fires I’ve ever been through. My heavenly Father has tenderly reminded me time and time again to apply His grace to every situation that stings, and that healing balm of grace will make all wrongs right. It’s so hard to walk this out, and I fail miserably. But I want to love so unselfishly. I want to assume the best. I want to keep no record of wrongs–because I see this as the only right, true, and good way to live. The latter–being bitter, unforgiving and justified is a lonely, cold place to be.

So where do I go from here? How do I let go of the hurt of people acting like she was never here, and I have a “problem.” How do I overlook no calls, cards, or texts on Mothers day. How do I forgive silence? How do I assume the best when it so blatantly feels like the worst wrong that has ever been done to me? I honestly don’t know. A miracle I suppose. Grace is a miracle no matter how we look at it–it’s undeserved favor, love, and forgiveness. I do know that past hurts I have written about on here have been removed–and I feel free of them. I can only hope and walk towards the goal of freedom from judgement and bitterness. It’s ok for me to be hurt ,disappointed, disillusioned and let down–but the fork in the road is always bitterness or grace. I am hurt at their silence and reluctance to say her name. I am hurt that I no longer receive any texts, calls, or comments acknowledging my grief–and their own. In my eyes they lost too, but it feels like her life was so insignificant to them. That’s what hurts the most. Right before I fell back asleep I thought to myself–maybe they would miss my sweet Ella more if I wasn’t her mother.

This post has reminded me to check in on those I’ve been silent with. If you have not experienced a loss their are practical ways of being there and being supportive. Little notes checking in, a meal, an invitation to open up, a sweet text message that says “I’m thinking of you today,” or “I miss her too.” Cookies, flowers, cookbooks, and cheese are always nice too :)! I have a wonderful family member who sends me care packages of goodies almost every week. I realize not everyone can do this, but it is such a healing ministry for me–to know she cares. She doesn’t have to say a lot, but her actions exude love and compassion.

Well thats enough processing for now. I am going to try and live my day in the most free way I can. I miss my daughter–and her life has changed me. She has added so much more depth and compassion to my soul. This is an eternal gift that I can take with me across the threshold of life and death. She has been a part of my refining.

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13 thoughts on ““Why Don’t They Care?”

  1. It’s hard for others to understand what you are going through unless they’ve “been there.” I would venture to say that there are some people who would encourage you to “move on,” but I’m sure there are others who simply don’t know what to do. I can tell you from experience that it’s easy to misinterpret as uncaring the actions of those who seem to move on or those who do nothing, especially when you are so sensitive from such a great loss, when that may not be the real reason. It really helps to have those who make an effort; it’s something you will never forget. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    • Rebecca,
      Thank you for your gracious response. Your perspective is really valuable to me–coming from someone who has lived with a loss for years. Thank you for taking the time to encourage me and share some of your story.

  2. I may not always acknowledge it out loud, but I still think of Ella…the love I have for her is still here, it hasn’t faded even eight months later. There are no magic words I can say, no gesture or comment that can lessen your pain. Just know that you both are thought of, prayed for and loved.

    • Dear Jetty-rae
      I have been following your blog these past few weeks. I stumbled across your music by accident a few months ago and felt a very strong pull to your music, I could relate to some of your music.
      when i saw you latest piece with girls clothes in the woods I was intrigued to find out what this meant to you…
      after finding your blog I felt saddened by the loss of your daughter Ella, I too lost my son in December 2012, he was 22 months old ( Colby) and the centre of my world. he caught meningitis and died very suddenly the week before Christmas. it has devastated me my husband and my elder son ( Harrison).
      losing a child is the most awful things that could happen to a parent no mater how old they are because with our children come our hopes and dreams. i will never see my son start school, celebrate his 18th birthday, get married or even become a father himself. these are the things we dream of and they start from the moment you see that second blue line on the pregnancy test…
      Life has changed in so many ways for us and like you some of our friends and family we held dear have truly let us down. yes we are more sensitive to other peoples reactions and to be honest we have the right to be.
      However we have also had our faith restored in humanity, so many people stepped up, strangers old friends who hadn’t been in contact for years turned up for Colby’s funeral and have never left. a couple of old friend promised me on that day they were going to be there for me, and they have stayed true. these are the people we need to concentrate on. one has sent me a text every day with words to help me through the day AND THEY DO !!
      Greif is HARD work…
      I am still heartbroken
      I am still healing
      I am still grieving because I am still loving…
      Colby is still my son and that is while I am still standing.
      I hope one day you get to be the Mother your meant to be Jetty, because despite all the heartache it is so worth it. My most happiest memories are with my children.
      All I can say to you is get up and breath anything else is a bonus.
      keep up the good work you do, you have managed to touch me all the way here in England.
      love to you and your partner

      Naomi xx

      • Naomi, thank you for reaching out and leaving a little bit of your story and a little piece of your son here. What a heartbreak to lose a child in that way. I am sorry for your loss. Something you said really touched me yesterday and I think it will become my new mantra “I am still grieving, because I am still loving.” How perfectly put. Thank you for taking the time to share some of your wisdom from your path with me, I appreciate it. I wish you continued love.

  3. So many kind words. Grief scares people because it reminds them that we ultimately control very little that happens to us in life. We can only control what happens “in” us. In that, we all share something in common. We all have to fight through disappointments, heartache, and conflicts. Though no one escapes this, some are bound and determined to deny grief’s ability to work something deep in themselves – fearing that it will somehow ruin what they think they can hold on to. It doesn’t ruin. It enriches. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of the deepest places in your heart, Naomi and Jetty. We are better for it.

  4. I love you B. And I love Ella. I’m sorry if I haven’t ever had the best words to say after all you’ve been through. I still think about Ella everytime I see a little girl that resembles you. And I feel like God constantly has you on my heart to pray for almost on a daily basis. It physically hurts my heart when I think about your pain. And I understand your anger with others and with God. I was so mad at him for not letting you be with your
    baby Ella. But I also understand your anger that happens toward others. It’s
    ok. You have the right B to feel what you
    need to feel. Don’t worry about
    beginning angry at others for a while. It
    will pass. I just wanted you to know you don’t leave my mind. Even if I’m not saying anything you’re still there and Ella will never leave my thoughts. I get to meet her someday and I can’t wait! I just want you to know. I haven’t forgotten you, jason and ella and I never will. Love you.

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