Christmas Time

This year nothing is as it should be. I keep reminding myself that perhaps next year will be better, perhaps not so bitter, a little sweeter. For myself, and for many this time of year brings pain, and such an emptiness that only death can cement. After removing myself from facebook for almost a month, I decided that perhaps I was strong enough to get on, and bear the baby photos and expectant moms. I logged on to find an email from a friend, who had just recently suffered the loss of her baby. I can hardly explain how I felt as I read those sad words…completely broken and powerless, and so connected to her. I’ve had two friends this month say goodbye to all of their hopes and dreams…their babies joining my Ella in heaven. It doesn’t get easier, it get’s more sorrowful and sometimes more confusing. It’s like being captured and tortured…in a room–and you are just hoping you don’t see someone you love and care about open that door, and walk through. My heart is so broken this Christmas..broken for the moms and dads who will never get to hold their children again. Broken for my friends, broken for strangers, broken for the parents of the massacred children of Sandy Hook. I know that God is proofing me in this pain. He is carrying me, even though I’ve yet to hear a single word since she left. Change with pain is inevitable..I am a different person now then I was 2 months ago. I cry more. I let myself imagine others pain more. I am more compassionate, more caring, and less self-consumed. This pain has given me unimaginable freedom from my selfishness..it has cured me from thinking that the world revolves around me. I will never ever be the same, and I don’t want to be. 

My Grandma and my mom passed on a really helpful book called “Grief: the Beginner’s guide.” The author encouraged me to not think of pain as a bad thing, as something to be avoided, or hurried over. Rather pain is something to revel in. Pain is the only thing that can truly change us to be more like Christ…His love is not the only thing that transforms-His pain and His burdens make us like Jesus more than anything else can. 

So where do we all go from here? An incredible anxiety sets in when I think of the coming months…the count down for me is still on until Ella’s due date February 11th. Every day until then I will think of her shower, her crib, her room, her arrival…I still get those email updates from every single baby web-site on the internet…so if I forget they remind me. I am afraid of the day after Christmas, because when the twinkle lights come down, and ornaments are packed away there might be a bleak nothingness.

 

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5 thoughts on “Christmas Time

  1. Britt, my heart goes out to you friend in your pain and loss. I had no idea what’s been going on in your life and I am so sorry for this pain and hurting season. I wish I was close to give you a hug right now. Love you friend and know I am thinking of you and praying for you. xo

  2. My dear whom I’ve never met…my prayer for you is that God our heavenly Father will extend his loving arms to you and your husband and cradle you both. May his shining countenance bring you peace as you both mourn…may you be reminded that he catches all your tears, that you will weep and mourn only for a while as he has many, many more blessings in store for you both. Our God is able and will carry you through this valley overshadowed by death and loss. It is your season to mourn and I will say mourn, bring all your frustrations, fears, and anxieties to HIM. But take heart that there will come again your time, your season to feel less burdened by grief as you will be rejoicing soon!!! As you struggle with heartbreak, may God give you healing and the grace to go through this very difficult time.

    Blessings, love and peace from above,
    Paula

  3. Hello, sweet cousins…just letting you two know that I am thinking of you and praying for you from California! I know this season is hard, and while I won’t pretend to understand the grief, know that I think of you and love you through it. Praying you can find some small ways to be merry…Merry Christmas! I promise to not forget Ella!!!!!

  4. Your words hit that “spot” deep within my own heart. Yes, you know the spot…..the spot that special mother’s are chosen to carry within their hearts, within their souls. It does change every aspect of your life. The way you look, talk and see people, and on occasion, shut their words right out. You don’t want to “hear it” or “feel it.” There is something extremely special when you begin to find the other mother’s who wear the same shoes, or shall I say, have the same broken pieces within their hearts…..shattered dreams for their precious son/daughter…..and yet we manage to keep awakening from this nightmare that has taken a seat among our lives…. The life that we didn’t ever want to experience, and somehow it has become our daily task to survive another day in the week-week in the month, etc. Yes, we are reminded over and over again, the second we relieve our minds of grief and loss, we have it shoved right before us, on an empty platter….

    You have begun a most beautiful gift for you and your daughter…. the gift of writing out your heart. You keep your sweet Ella alive through your words…. your tears… and your hope and faith in our Lord…. the very One who cradles that precious little girl, until the day he hands her over to your arms…. that day we dream of, over and over again…. Eternity…

    Love to you.

  5. “I know that God is proofing me in this pain. He is carrying me, even though I’ve yet to hear a single word since she left. Change with pain is inevitable..I am a different person now then I was 2 months ago. I cry more. I let myself imagine others pain more. I am more compassionate, more caring, and less self-consumed. This pain has given me unimaginable freedom from my selfishness..it has cured me from thinking that the world revolves around me. I will never ever be the same, and I don’t want to be. ” -This is exactly how i feel , you put my feelings into words.

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