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Bury You

Oh I never wanted to bury you Child

Kiss those crimson lips, my future defiled

Can’t help thinking, God what has been done?

It’s not right, it’s not fair, it’s a tragedy…and then some

Never wanted to buy you white flowers

To labor over you, in vain…for hours

To hold your lifeless body, and marvel and wonder

It’s amazing what God has done, but feel this rage like thunder

There is an ache, a hole, a hell of a lot of hurt

There are pennies, and toys, and ashes in the dirt

Tears, and milk, and lot’s of blood

A loss like this, can never be understood

I never wanted to pay my respects

To bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh

I know what’s done is done

But I wish I could turn back time

I’d trade my life for this one

 

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Goodbye

Tiny toes, and little elbows

Peace rested on your rosebud mouth

For five months I dreamed and sang to you

But now the autumn has truly come

Thoughtful eyebrows placed perfectly on your delicate face

Your little arms reaching for me

I’m in a day dreamed daze

Four days down since I gave birth

Feels like years ago, and it still hurts

When I held you, I knew you weren’t there

Sounds silly to state the obvious, but I wanted you to know I care

When I carried you, I felt your little life

Your soul had a spark, your heart was a light

I knew after you left something was wrong

My soul was bereft, I felt you were gone

But I couldn’t find the proof

It was as if some one had taken all the air from the room

When we laid you down, I cried I’m not ready

Not ready to say goodbye

And when I kissed your head, and I cried

I’m not ready to say goodbye

And as your Daddy lowered you to your tiny grave

Not even his or my hands could reach out to save

 I still wasn’t ready to say goodbye

Now I sit, and wait to heal, and I cry

Because even if I’m ever ready

I’m afraid I’ll never want to say goodbye

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Only Joy

You brought only joy

From the moment you were known

Joy, and happiness and hopes were sown

In our hearts, in our heads

We’d dream of you for hours in our warm beds

You were my pride

My reason to stay true

I wanted to be the best kind of mom for you

You are missed Ella Rae

With all my heart, precious darling girl

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Three days after…

10/15/12 Three days after we buried you.

It still doesn’t feel real that sweet baby girl is gone. Today was just a mediocre day . I didn’t find myself weeping or inconsolable. I had the vivid reminder left on my body. The milk that was supposed to sustain you has come in today–making me heavy and uncomfortable, and in physical pain. The hard part is, my body provides it in vain. It would all be worth it if you were here, close to me, so I could kiss your head–making sure your heart and your tummy were well fed. Such a haze has set in. I’ve lost something so great that can never be replaced–but gained so much that I never would have without the loss. I’ve never felt so much love from and for my husband. He has been my rock, and I can’t imagine a waking moment without him. I have a love I never knew I was capable of. The ache that was in my soul the day Ella left and the day we buried her has dulled–it’s not a sharp cutting pain–it’s heavy, quiet, and dull. Blunt pain. It’s still hard looking to the future, but I know I’m required to just live day by day. When I do think ahead I’m sad, confused and unsure. Part of my wants to fast-forward all of these different healing processes. The breasts, the bleeding, the cramping, the waiting to try again, the waiting to some how be whole enough to try again–and give all our love and enthusiasm to another baby. It’s so daunting. I just need the help to focus on today. Part of me is already sad that my body will go on. Ella won’t be a part of everyday conversation, people will forget, and life will go on. As much as I want it to, I don’t. I don’t want to forget or move on, or let go. I want to remember, love, and honor always. She deserves that from me. I’m just afraid–life, priorities, jobs, bills, commitments, groceries…all these petty things must carry on. We must be forced to live in a temporal world while Ella goes on in eternity. It’s just so not fair.